Grieving the Loss of an Infant or Baby: A Catholic Guide for Families
, by Raising Well-Mannered Children Ltd,
28 min reading time
Losing a child to an ectopic pregnancy, miscarriage, stillborn, or immediately after labour is one of the most heartbreaking crosses a parent can face. Knowing the child you loved so much and were excited to welcome into the world gets replaced with grief and sorrow as you plan funeral arrangements instead. The shock shatters you in a deep way, where you feel stuck without knowing how to pivot or stand.
Then, when you lose a child back-to-back, it creates this inner sorrow and fear that every pregnancy going forward is going to end in a loss. It doesn't matter how hard you try to surrender; each day of a new pregnancy almost feels like you are waiting for the other shoe to drop. Trying to say "this is my rainbow 🌈 baby, and it will end in a live birth" and mean it... is a hard mental block to overcome.
Many people have suffered with this type of loss, myself included (2 miscarriages & 1 stillborn). Often, people don't know how to handle grief personally. People don't know how to comfort those who mourn. The whole family and community suffer. People normally focus on the mother, but fathers feel it deeply too; children struggle with figuring out how to cope well. The whole family, is grieving and trying to find a balance within themselves. All family members grieve as they try to comfort and console one another.
With infertility and losses happening frequently, it is something that can't remain silent anymore. Guidance to navigate this with dignity is hard. Understanding grief etiquette for these losses is difficult when not in the other person's shoes. Our society doesn't do well at embracing suffering or at comforting those grieving with appropriate charity. This needs to be addressed and clarified to know how to serve thy neighbour well.
In former centuries, this topic was silenced and never discussed. But here is the thing: grief is never supposed to be an emotion experienced alone. Like all emotions, community does help with processing grief. It is not the only emotion to suffer alone. When we look at Matthew 5:4, it says, "Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted." Comforted by others in their little village, not feeling alone, but in community, like all other beatitudes imply an act of service towards another.
The best thing you can offer to someone going through this cross is to connect them with someone who has experienced it. Often, I am a person of contact in my local area for doulas to ask me how I managed the grief, how I honoured the dignity of my children who have passed, and if I am available to comfort other moms. I share with you my cross that is now covered in roses to bless the families in the midst of this cross, as the loss of a child before birth or even shortly after is real grief. (I have to admit, this has taken me several weeks to write as I write through all these tears.)
I am going to address grief etiquette and summarize some parts of Catholic teachings. I hope to bring healing, peace, and hope to individuals in this situation. The Church recognizes the dignity and personhood of that child at all stages of life. Every age is valuable. Here is a Catholic guide for grieving the loss of a baby.
Receiving the News of the Death
Having an ultrasound or a doctor's appointment where they sit you down and say, “I'm sorry, but there is no sign of a heartbeat. It didn't make it.” This is one of the most heart-shattering, tear-flood-gating, body-numbing moments I have ever experienced. An appointment that you were excited to know more about the beautiful life/miracle in you is now gone. They already have the Kleenex ready for you, but even that isn't durable enough to hold all the tears.
After you walk out of that room, you're a completely different person. You are no longer expecting a baby in your womb. It feels like you're their first tomb.
Your children look at you and ask about the baby. Nothing prepares you for that moment when you have to be the bearer of bad news to them. (I'll dive into this below.) You don't know what the right words are because you have no words to explain yourself.
Others call to check in on you and how your appointment went, but bringing it up is challenging. You don't know how to make sense of it. You feel it. You feel that dark emptiness. You have tons of questions running through your head. Here is a list of some things that other mothers and I have experienced:
Is this my fault?
What did I do to make this happen?
Did I overdo it in physical labour this week, when it hurt the baby?
Was I letting stress, anxiety or depression get the best of me, and was it chemically induced?
Is it because my cycles and hormones are off?
Did I fail at eating right?
Is this a punishment because of a sin?
Is it because I said I wasn't ready to be pregnant, and this is God answering my prayers? Can I take that prayer back?
Am I defective and can't have children?
Is it because I cheated and had a small sip or drink of alcohol?
Is it because I didn't eat healthy, ate processed meat or take out, and the unhealthy food harmed them?
Is it because I took Tylenol for my headache?
How could I be so dumb and not realize they were not kicking or moving anymore?
Am I just called to adoption at this point since having my own children isn't working?
You hyper-fixate on something you were told could harm the baby and blame yourself for it. You fixate on what you could've done to prevent the tragedy, but nothing will change the outcome. It is still there. It still hurts. You're still crying. You feel like God has abandoned you.
Hygiene and food become undesirable or overindulged in. You can't bear experiencing what has happened, and you don't know how to move forward. You want one more moment to at least tell the baby “I love you” and feel them move.
This is all normal…. painful, but normal.
Even Christ in the midst of His coping with His own death said: “Jesus cried with a loud voice, saying: Eli, Eli, lamma sabacthani? that is, My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?” (Matthew 27: 46) Abandonment in grief is human. Believing we are alone and abandoned is natural. It is how we cope with it that's different.
It is important to know that in the midst of this cross, God still sends a Simon (Matthew 27:32). It is important that we humbly accept the help of Simon and not fall into pushing everyone away; when we do this, we deny them the chance to love through service, words, gifts, physical comfort, and affirmations. Don't deny God's servants in action. You can definitely ask for space, but it has to be balanced with being comforted.
Siblings: how to tell them, help them cope, and teach them what happens
Trying to tell your children that their sibling has died is one of the hardest things you'll tell them. What I learned from the grief support ministry is that you can't tell the child, "We lost the baby," or "The baby went to sleep." Children will start to develop the fear that losing anything, or anyone, means death plus something permanent. Or any form of sleeping translates to death. You have to use the word "died" for them to understand it is distinct and different from misplacing something and losing it, in addition to not developing a phobia of sleep. Building on this, don't use euphemisms as they don't understand them at a young age and will only scare them more. Use concise and appropriate language without overexplaining details.
Also, you only want to answer the questions they bring up. You don't want to stir up any philosophical questions that will lead them into deeper despair, sadness, or confusion, or make them concerned for their own safety. Keeping it simple is the best answer for them. During all their questions, guard them from wanting to physically see their dead sibling, especially if you know your child's temperament is very soft and delicate. Seeing a lifeless body is difficult for anyone, and it is best to guard a child against it. If your child asks to see it and it would be part of their closure, then show it to them if they have the maturity to handle it.
With that being said, you may be wondering how to even bring this up to children and have it make sense to them. The best way our grief support team described it was a flower bud. The flower bush is the family. Each member of their family is a different flower in the bush. Some flower buds don't bloom and remain closed, but that doesn't mean they aren't beautiful or part of the bush. Like the flower bush, the sibling that died in mommy's tummy is a flower bud; it didn't grow or bloom all the way, but it still holds beauty and is a part of the family. Showing them a flower bush while you describe it is a helpful visual. You can even name each of the flowers in the bush the names of the members in your family; the bigger, more mature flowers are mommy and daddy, the smaller flowers are the children, and the flower buds are the siblings that died. You can affirm this example by pointing to a flower bud beginning to open and saying, "Not all babies die." Each flower bud and flower makes the bush beautiful; some are smaller, and some are more mature. The bigger flowers serve as an example to the smaller flowers on how to grow big and strong, helping keep the plant alive and beautiful. Mommy and daddy are these big flowers and aren't going to die, but are going to be there with them until they're grandparents. This flower example shows them how each part of life is beautiful. Every time your child sees a flower bud, they will remember their sibling. Affirming that others around them are alive and won't be dying on them anytime soon will console their despair and fear of losing someone else they love deeply. (If you would like this concept to become a children's book that aligns with Catholic teaching, contact us.)
A great way for them to cope is through play therapy. Play therapy helps them process social interactions in a way that is lighter on the soul and helps them process something heavy in a more manageable way. Don't prompt them to bring it up during playtime, but when itIdoes, guide their grief to a holy and comforting place. During their playtime, you can mention that God holds them in the palm of His hand and will never forget them, as He loves them so much. Knowing God won't abandon them brings them a lot of comfort and sorrow.
Other comforting things for the siblings include a stuffed bear they can hold and hug whenever they miss their sibling. This small gift of having something tangible to hold onto their memory is very healing for them. If you find they've named the teddy bear after the name you gave your deceased child, let them heal by naming it the same name. It's a part of their coping strategy.
Some other things you might consider to help your child cope with the death of their sibling include:
lighting a candle
saying a prayer
drawing pictures for the baby
planting a memorial flower
celebrating monthly anniversaries in honour of the baby
letting a balloon go up into the sky for their sibling to play with it in heaven with Jesus
praying a novena to the saint their sibling is named after
putting things in a memory box so they can have all these memories they want to share with their sibling
By giving them different ways to cope, it helps them work through all their emotions naturally. Be there to walk with them. If you need time to be left to grieve instead of hearing their questions or bringing it up, let them know it is too much for you and for you to heal comfortably, you can't talk about it, but you can later. Giving them this boundary to understand your grief matters too. Working through this grief together should foster unity rather than despair or separation. Heal unitively for it to be fruitful.
How to Honour the Dead - for Infants
A lot of doulas come to me asking me about how I honoured my child through the process in detail, so they can tell others who want to have a dignified experience. I hope these steps help you honour your child with sacrificial love.
Determining the Process
It is best to allow your body to let go of the child naturally through labour; however, if there are signs of intense complications or infections, then medical intervention should be considered.
When my 1st miscarriage happened (molar ectopic pregnancy), I waited to see if it would naturally release, but it didn't after 1 month. I opted for a medical intervention as I had severe bleeding, but no tissue was passing. I knew I wanted the least invasive and to keep my baby intact. After consulting with the medical team, this is what I learned.
A DNC has a high risk of dismembering the baby. It can tear apart limbs and fail to keep the body intact. It ran the risk of perforating the uterine lining and damaging the uterus. Since there was a high risk of not obtaining the body intact for burial, I wanted to honour their bodily dignity better and said no.
If you get a DNC, there is little chance you will be able to keep the remains, and they won't give you the bodily remains, even though you're the parent and have rights to your child. When I asked if I could keep the body to have a proper burial for the baby, they told me they would donate it to “science research,” and I won't get it back. And since I would be sedated and unconscious during the day surgery, I won't be able to advocate for them and remind the staff during the procedure. After I heard this, I knew a DNC was out of the question.
The hospital offered me to go to an abortion clinic to experience a semi-sedated procedure. Still, I wasn't allowed to bring a support person in with me, and they likely wouldn't let me keep the remains either. The last thing I wanted to do was entertain this option since I would have no one to advocate for the baby or me during the procedure, which doesn't honour either life.
I asked about the abortion pill and if I could take it at home to have the baby. They told me I could take the pill home. Inserting it vaginally will help the process better, but taking it orally would likely do nothing. The risk of the pill was that it doesn't always work properly and could leave some tissue left in there. I asked if it would dismember the body, and they said no. This would mess with my hormones big time and could cause hemorrhaging for the mother.
I asked about a potential C-section for my miscarriage and again for my stillborn to keep the body intact. They only entertain this option if the baby is unsafe to exit through the birth canal or unable to exit the birth canal with the placenta covering the cervix.
To honour the baby's body with dignity, I opted for the pill both times, since I needed medical intervention both times. I wanted the baby's body intact, and I wanted to guarantee I could take it home to give it a proper burial instead of it being donated to science for testing. This is in accordance with the Catholic teaching for the dignity of the person and honoring their body as a temple. And yes, you can find your rice-sized baby in the strainer. I was able to find mine and conditionally baptize them. If you want to see an image of what to expect, send us an email, and we can send you one.
If you want to get a Catholic OBGYN's opinion on this, please consider reaching out to Dr. M. on Instagram, as she has made herself available.
An important note: When you are in the hospital for the procedure or natural labour, you can contact the ministry “Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep,” they provide FREE photography for the family for you to have a special, dignified photoshoot of the infant.
Also, you can ask the hospital whether they have a burial gown ministry, where brides donate their old wedding or bridesmaid dresses, which are then made into little dresses or tuxedos for babies to be buried in. Plus, elderly donors can provide a tiny custom hat for the infant.
These 3 ministries made a huge difference and impact during my hospital stay for the process of my stillborn. Confirming with the hospital ahead of time can make for a heartfelt experience during a very difficult time.
Preparation to go through the Process
After I made the decision, I prepped my home and my children for mommy being in pain and needing to be in the bathroom a lot over the weekend. I explained that mommy would need to have heat packs and comfort from them. Giving my children a heads-up made it easier to go through their big emotions while explaining them.
Mentally, you prepare yourself for the first time you'll see this child, who is being caught in a strainer, not a hug. Nothing really prepares you for this moment, and it hurts every time you go through it. Knowing I was preparing myself to honour them above myself through sacrificial love and surrender was consoling enough for me during the preparation phase.
To make my preparation phase more fruitful and safely catch the baby, I used a tightly stitched strainer and placed it between the toilet bowl and the seat. You can get a miscarriage kit from Heaven's Gain in order to do this process.
All the tissue I passed went into the strainer. All the blood would drip through, while the placental tissue and body wouldn't be able to fall through. I knew when my baby left me. I used medical gloves to try to find them. After finding them, I picked them up and placed them into a dignified coffin with oxygen absorbers, a cloth, some clothes, and had them in the fridge or cellar until the funeral. The next step was planning the funeral.
Conditional Baptism
If there is an opportunity to perform a conditional baptism, I highly encourage it. How this works:
Grab a syringe of plain water
The baby must still be attached to the umbilical cord in Utero or outside of utero with the amniotic sac broken
You use the formula “If you are not yet dead and your soul has not yet left, I baptize you, (insert full name), in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.” The water must touch the skin 3 times (1 time for each person in the Trinity), preferably the scalp, while saying this.
This allows for the possibility of God working outside the realm of reason and hearing the baptism of desire. If the spiritual soul is still there, even if the material body doesn't have a heartbeat, God can work through the baptism of desire and baptize them in His Kingdom.
Funeral & Burial
Once you have finished handling the medical decision-making, you then prepare the spiritual preparations.
Giving my children dignified coffins was a no-brainer. They were not getting an afterthought box, but something intentional. I made my first one from a cedar letter box I found at the thrift store. I added pink soft fabric to the box and made a pillow for them. I hot-glued a Benedictine medal to the top of the coffin I was making to add a cross. I ordered an engraved plaque with their name, dates of conception to passing, a “parents of” line with my name and my husband's name on it, plus the passage of “Isaiah 49:15” on the bottom. I made it simple but dignified.
For my stillborn, a friend told me about the Trappist Monks and how they provide FREE caskets to the families that lost a child, PLUS they pray a year of Masses for the family. We ordered their coffins for my stillborn, and the craftsmanship was incredible. They provided a pillow, a cross for the child to hold in the casket, and an engraved cross with the child's name for the parents to keep. This was one of the most amazing, heartfelt moments I experienced during the process.
While preparing for the funeral, a family must know that there is no specific ritual for the death of an infant; however, you can request “A Mass for the family of a deceased family member” OR "the Mass for the dead for your child" and do that liturgy. If you can include the hymn "Isaiah 49:15" at the gravesite, it is very moving and healing. There is, however, a Catholic prayer in the "Catholic Book of Blessings" for the "Blessing of Parents After a Miscarriage"; this can be said by any priest.
If you can, find a way to place a marker on the plot, such as a handmade cross or a stone. Have them buried in a Catholic cemetery along the edges or in the designated spot for the babies in order for them to receive an annual blessing of graves. This gives your child the opportunity to receive continuous blessings and prayers annually.
Mass Dispensation for the Grieving & Postpartum
I wrote in my postpartum blog about the Mass dispensation rules in Church teaching, so the mother recovering from labour would be made aware of the rules in place to maximize her healthcare. Mothers who have experienced a miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss have these dispensation rules apply to them, as not only are you grieving, but you are healing. Please consider your body, mind, and soul appropriately and be merciful to yourself if getting out of bed and out in public simply isn't possible because the grief is too heavy, or you are still physically weak from labour.
“The Sunday Eucharist is the foundation and confirmation of all Christian practice. For this reason, the faithful are obliged to participate in the Eucharist on days of obligation,unless excused for a serious reason(for example, illness,the care of infants)or dispensed by their own pastor. Those who deliberately fail in this obligation commit a grave sin.”
In the "Moral and Pastoral Theology, Commandments of God and Precepts of the Church" by Fr. Henry Davis, SJ. he states:
“Any moderately grave inconvenience to mind or body, or to temporal goods, either of oneself, or of another, excuses from the precept…. Those are excused who are sick or whose presence is required for care of the sick, or who tend infant children at home, or who do necessary domestic work, or who have no suitable clothes (an excuse rather easy to magnify), or who would have to hear their banns of marriage called (if this prove disconcerting), or those who live at a distance from the church of three miles or an hour’s walk, or even less, if the weather is bad, or if they are infirm [means weak in body and mind]; the distance that excuses would be greater for those who can use cars, tramway, railway, cycles, without incurring expense which they can ill afford. Servants also are excused, if forbidden by non-Catholic employers to go to Mass, but they should find another place [i.e., job], if reasonably possible, where they could have the opportunity of hearing Mass. A wife is excused, if by going to Mass she would give great offence to her husband; under similar circumstances, children and servants are excused. It is not expected by the Church that servants or labourers should deprive themselves of reasonably necessary sleep that they may be able to assist at an early Mass. Those are excused who would normally remain at home during a period of mourning;mothers, too, after childbirth for some weeks, and of course some weeks before childbirth.It is held that those are excused who would have to forgo—occasionally, but not as a general rule—a good stroke of business or considerable gain, such as would be the case with merchants, and during the lambing season with farmers.” (pp. 64–65)
“We have here to do with a positive precept, and any serious inconvenience or loss, spiritual or temporal, affecting one’s self or one’s neighbour,which would follow from hearing Mass, will excuse the faithful from fulfilling the obligation. So that thesick, the convalescent[convalescent: someone who is getting better after a serious illness or injury; prefer to be cared for at home rather than in a hospital.] who could not venture out of doors without danger, those who have to take care of the sick,mothers of families who have little children to attend to,those who live at such a distance that it would take them more than an hour to walk to church,all these are excused from hearing Mass regularly.”(pp. 172–73)
(Davis SJ , Fr. Henry . Moral and Pastoral Theology, Commandments of God and Precepts of the Church. 6th Edition ed., vol. 2, 1935, pp. 64–65, & 172-173)
For the woman recovering from surgery or labour, taking proper bedrest will help her get better and be able to go to Mass on Sundays once she is better. Prioritizing recovery is key to setting the mother well in her duties of motherhood going forward. Mourning and grieving are a part of this list as well, so if the grief is too intense, staying home to grieve is a natural dispensation.
Inside the book called "Moral Theology: A Complete Course Based on St. Thomas Aquinas and the Best Modern Authorities" by John A. McHugh OP & Callan J. Charles, it states:
“Impossibility or serious inconvenience excuses from hearing Mass—e.g., those who have to walk an hour’s journey to church or ride a two hours’ journey, regarding which, in terms of distance travelled, it has been suggested that the figures should be more than three miles each way if one must walk, more than thirty miles if a car is available and the roads are good;those who will suffer great detriment to health,honor, fortune, etc., if they go; those who are kept away by duties of charity or employment or office that cannot be omitted. (n. 2584)” (McHugh OP, John A. , & Charles J. Callan OP. Moral Theology: A Complete Course Based on St. Thomas Aquinas and the Best Modern Authorities. 1958, n. 2584)
Since your body is still recovering from labour, bleeding, and other trauma, you are naturally dispensed from attending Mass. Take as much time as you need mentally, spiritually, and physically to come back to Mass. Don't feel obligated to push yourself. Grant yourself mercy where you can and be understanding in these circumstances as well.
Comforting Those Who Are Grieving
There are so many beautiful ways you can serve someone who is grieving the death of a baby. We wanted to create a thorough, helpful guide for all the family's support people. I wrote a sister blog to this one to give you the tools and wisdom needed to assist the family going through this process. Inside, it has a curated Gift Idea Catalogue with Comfort Items for the family, FREE to make it easier to find the perfect gift for someone going through this. Also, it includes a grief etiquette list on what NOT to say to someone who is grieving and better alternatives to not trigger deeper hurt.
I hope this blog has brought about helpful insights. Please know I am praying for you.
PS. If you found this helpful, you will love our book series, available here.
