Comforting a Grieving Parent: Using the 5 Love Languages & 2 Golden Rules for Grief
, by Raising Well-Mannered Children Ltd,
12 min reading time
When the community hears about the tragedy of an infant loss, many hearts are hurt with the family. Our society has lost its way in knowing how to comfort those grieving well. I have curated a list on how to serve the family using the 5 Love Languages.
Affirmations through Words
We can't find it in ourselves to experience empathy or sympathy so deeply as if we are walking with the person and feeling it as badly as they are experiencing the grief. The more I talked to retired nurses and caregivers, the more they shared about how these bedside manners have depleted. The pattern they noticed…
“People are responding to grief by feeding them the lies they themselves would try to believe to comfort themselves. Others project their reasoning about how they would cope with the pain onto the person experiencing it. They project their past experiences and harm the individual more because often, now the individual grieving is thinking of something else to be sad about. There is no more ‘knowing how to hug and embrace a soul with words alone.’ The world has fallen out of touch with a gentle embrace.”
In my own childhood, I experienced this. People would say things that made me spiral into deeper depression while I was trying to cope with these things. When I talked to other women who shared this burden, they also experienced this lack of deportment.
I am going to share and comment on helpful insights I read in etiquette manuals from over a century ago to bring back truly comforting experiences for those grieving and to show how to properly express your condolences.
The 2 Golden Rules of Grief Etiquette
As you receive the knowledge of the passing of the baby, there are 2 important golden rules of grief etiquette to remember. The first one is thatwhenever the need to send condolences is made known, you don't withhold them. It is rude to ignore the tragedy and say nothing is uncharitable.
The second golden rule for those who are mourning is what Florence Hartley states: “Early stages of great grief reject comfort, but they long, with intense longing, for sympathy.” (Hartley, Florence. Pg124) It is important to do this with humble compassion so as not to intrude on their pain.
First, you approach with an emotional response of sympathy; e.g., feel their sorrow, acknowledge their pain, and express how you would hold them in a gentle embrace. There is absolutely NO mention of a silver lining at this time. What the soul longs for is “one grasp of the hand, one glance of the eye, will do more to express sympathy than whole sheets of written words.” (Hartley, Cecil. Pg 276)
During the next check in, you offer the comforting side; ex. feeling with the person the heartache, putting yourself in their shoes by only mentioning how difficult this situation is for them, validating their tears, creating a connection where they only feel truly seen and heard. It is important when comforting someone to remember to “Write words of comfort if you will, but do not appear to consider the affliction as a trifle. Time may make it less severe, but the first blow of grief must be heavy and a few words of sincere sympathy will outweigh pages of mere expressions of hope for comfort” (Hartley, Florence. Pg 122)
When you follow up these ways you set yourself up on knowing how to hug their heart in a warm embrace. You don't want to trigger depression for them anymore, and this is why I created a “do and don't say this for grief etiquette chart.” By saying the right words, you fill their affirmation love language cup, as the sweetness of the language will comfort the soul.
Do's & Don'ts on What to Say When Someone is Grieving
This list shows how to address grief. As much as some statements can have good intentions, these phrases cut deeper than expected. I have provided a comparison chart of which phrases are better received by the family grieving.
The next time you are in a situation where you are experiencing someone grieving, please consider alternative options to give their heart a gentle embrace. If you would like to obtain these lists, you can find them here.
Acts of Service
People want to give the family something or serve them in a small way to relieve stress. Remember to offer only actions you can reasonably take, and give a date when you can stop by, so it doesn't give the grieving couple another decision to make. Some of the ways you can show them sympathy, comfort, and empathy during their loss through acts of charity include:
Food: even if they feel like they're not hungry while grieving, having meals available for them that they don't have to labour to make is helpful. Remember to do this many months after, as grief is heavy for A LONG time.
Remember all 3 sets of meals (breakfast, lunch, and supper) and don't just prioritize supper
Coordinate a mealtrain for others in the community to help
Gift cards to their favourite restaurants for either dine in or take-out
Shelf-stable, easy on the stomach food: think individual packs of Goldfish, Easy Mac, oatmeal, granola bars, applesauce, crackers, etc.
House duties: remember they are also postpartum and their bodies are healing from a physical loss. Offering to do their chores is one way to extend help. (More on postpartum bedside manners blog here)
Errands: if they need something but they're not ready, willing, or able to go out and get it because the grief is so big, ask to do the errand for them. It could be picking up their curbside groceries, getting their mail, etc. Any small act is a relief.
Milk Donation: If the mother would like to pump and donate her milk to other babies, you can offer to help her find a local milk bank and bring the milk stash to them. If she doesn't, offer to get breast ice packs to help dry it up and cabbage in case it's inflamed; Oaklyn Foundation has a kit.
Child care: offering to take the older children on a day so the couple has time to cope in peace on their own means a lot to them. A change of environment is beneficial for children's grieving, since they cope normally through play therapy.
Remember to always ask the family what they need in the moment prior to showing up with something; this is a sign of respectful charity.
Gift Giving
Most families may not know this, but the Trappist Monks make FREE caskets for families that lose an infant. You pay for shipping and duties, but the casket costs nothing. The Trappist Monks will also pray for the family for a whole year. Donating to the monastery as a token of appreciation is a good practice for the service they provide to the family. I received this for my stillborn, and it was one of the most meaningful gifts I received during that time.
The second most meaningful gift was a cross marker that a friend had handmade for their grave, with their names and dates engraved on it. Having a marker for them while we are saving up for a tombstone was a blessing. If you know the couple won't be able to afford a tombstone or grave marker, offer to start a fundraising campaign for their family to cover this expense and the funeral costs.
Also, receiving small gifts and cards from people was very healing. These gifts were the only gifts this baby would ever receive, the only cards they would get in their lifetime, and I've treasured them all in a keepsake box. I know many families have experienced this too. Because it is hard to know what to get in these situations, we have asked the general public what they found meaningful gifts. We have curated a list of gift ideas for this time; most of the companies are small Catholic businesses, and it is a great way to support local businesses and fellow Catholics. It is free for you to download, as we are incurring another expense at this time and do not want to impose it.
A few other suggestions for gifts outside the catalogue include:
Flowers (peace lily or their favourite flower)
Mass cards
Spiritual bouquet (ex. Rosaries prayed, novenas, offering it up prayers, etc.)
Any small gift given will leave us healing, knowing someone else thought of the griever well.
Physical Affection & Presence
Some people can feel awkward about not knowing how to physically comfort someone who is grieving. It is always important to know how a person would best receive physical touch before proceeding. Here is a list of ways to offer a gentle embrace:
wiping the tears from their eyes
hugging them or their arm
cupping their hands
stroking their hair
moving their hair behind their ears
kiss on their hand, forehead, or cheek (depending on cultural custom)
if they would like it, maybe even a shoulder/ hand/ or foot massage
These small, intentional acts serve to comfort them in their sorrow. Showing them things while offering a listening ear can mend the soul in ways beyond imagination.
While you are being physically present to them, remember to be sad with them. If they named the baby, use the baby's name as that gives them honour to the dead and consoles the family, talking to them as if they had just lost an important family member.
Quality Time - Connecting Them with Organizations & People Who Have Gone Through It
As the family goes through this process, the people and organizations you can connect them with can have a huge impact. They may not want to spend much time with loved ones; thus, connecting them with ministries that serve people going through this process, as well as connecting them with someone who has experienced something similar, is an essential element in their healing. I have created a list of organizations you can connect the family to or use for your own access as you experience this loss.
Respect Life Apostolate: a list of the Catholic teachings on sanctity of life, beginning of life, miscarriage loss support, and how to handle doctors' appointments and the process
Please consider connecting the family to one of these ministries. It is healing to have an outlet specifically designed for the cross they are bearing and for how they can get help.
In conclusion, serve humbly with Christ-like sympathy and comfort while you are being compassionate. Every small act makes a lasting impact. Reach out to them consistently. Don't let grief grow in deafening silence where you don't check in on them. It can take months or even years. Serve them in small ways, and be their Simon whenever you can help. Know you are in my prayers.
PS. If you found this helpful, you will love our book series, available here.
